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Sitting Between Two Stools |
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Outside, the snow was
silently covering the frozen ground. Winter had arrived once again. This time I was caught
completely by surprise. I began experiencing an incredible decrease, almost a complete
obliteration of my energy for work and life. Only a short time ago I felt that my work had
really been progressing. I was more focused than I had ever been... |
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...but then
something
happened... |
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It was like I reached a point where a
shock was needed, but none was given. I began, quite unconsciously and with no control
over the matter, to fade away. Before I knew it I had almost become completely lost.
Somehow I began doing all the things I had been working against. I became lazy, really
lazy, and worst of all I became identified (and actually enjoying) living a lazy, eat,
sleep , fuck, American life. |
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Yet, I
could not
get the
Work out
of my head. |
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It really felt like a civil war inside me. One side wanted the work and another wanted
just normal life. I was in the midst of a struggle between the great Yes and No. I felt I
had to make a decision between moving away from where I was sitting and joining a Work
group. On the other side of the scales I could always move home , go back to school, and
enjoy a hedonistic lifestyle. This process, and my rapidly diminishing energy to do any
Work put me into a terrible position. |
I was between
two stools and
boy did it suck.
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Amongst all the warring inside I witnessed something very strange...
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...something that I don't normally
experience as me was watching the war. I've thought about what it could be, the formation
of a higher being body, or a taste of real self-remembering, or maybe I just truly wasn't
identified at those moments. I would fade in and out of the war, at times I would battle
my foes with passionate zeal, gunning them down mercilessly. And then in a flash I could
see the scene from above, the fight ebbing and flowing across the war field, blood
spilling, heads splitting, all in the name of protection. |
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With this the
war and the
winter began
to fade. |
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What can I say about this? I hated being stuck between two stools and will most likely be
in that position again and hate it again too. It really ripped me apart, it made me an
idiot.
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Gurdjieff talks about suffering being a way towards evolution. All these battles a
preparation for something bigger. Now, I don't like this suffering trip anymore than the
next worker but sometimes you find yourself in desperate circumstances and your training
begins to assert itself. All those tools and skills you developed without really knowing
why suddenly come into play.
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Counting the casualties of the war is a painful process. Amongst the decapitated bodies
and wounded soldiers I have found something that is me (or so I am led to believe by me).
This Work waits for no one , so once you step on the path, you had better be prepared for
one hell of a battle.
- jeremiah' M. wallace
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Special thanks to jeremiah' for his text.
Contact us if you've got something you've just got to say.
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